The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
