i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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