i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I need water and some morals
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Randomize
