I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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