I just threw up on my dentist
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
