So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
