So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
