when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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