so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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