I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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