i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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