Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
