my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
