i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Ladies don't puke and tell
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
