I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
