I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
