Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
