Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
