You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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