trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
