Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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