Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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