You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Randomize
