For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
