She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
