but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
