I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
