Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
