Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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