Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
