I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
