Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
