All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
either way he was missing a nipple.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
