I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
only if we run a train.
done.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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