I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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