woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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