My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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