Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
