can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
