I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
