I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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