Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
