broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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