cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Green mimosas i think yes
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
