You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
