Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
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