I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
