we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
