i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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