The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
