my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
