My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
