Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
